The Boys

The Boys

My friend Andrew took me along to the theatre the other night to see the play The Boys. Andrew does a lot of group work with men http://www.groupworksolutions.com.au/ and I went because his partner was ill. Although I had put a link to the background of the play on this Blog a couple of months ago I didn’t really want to go and see it. I knew what the story was about and did not want to spend an evening being ‘entertained’ by violence.

The play was very confronting, literally in your face. We were in the front row and the main character pulled down his pants and bared his bottom to the audience. I thought the acting was superb, it was non stop, intense and the atmosphere was charged. But I didn’t like it. I felt uncomfortable, intimidated, angry and sad.

The main theme that struck me was the attitude of the men to women. This came across in both words and actions. The women were portrayed as seeking meaningful relationships and something better for their lives. The men were portrayed as having a great sense of entitlement: entitled to do what they wanted, when they wanted, how they wanted, and without any consideration for either their mother or girlfriends. They viewed women as objects. This came across very strongly in their views on sex and in the simulated sex scenes – you can never let a woman be on top. The sex portrayed was devoid of loving relationship and intimacy. A woman’s body was merely an object for ejaculation and in treating her so she would know her place, she would know who held the power, she would know who was boss. The violence in the play was not just meted out on the women. The brothers were pulled into submission to the elder brothers views through violence. These beliefs were enforced upon both women and men to maintain their place and the place of men above women. The cycle of violence was being continued and legitimised by these beliefs and backed up with violence.

I would imagine that most men if asked would deny holding such views of women and would distance themselves from the views and actions portrayed in the play. However, women throughout the world know what it is to live with the threat and effects of both sexual and physical assault not just from strangers but from within their own families. As a man reading this I am wondering if you have ever questioned your own views about women. What informed those views? How were they formed? From whom did you learn them? What did your father model to you about women? What did male teachers, ministers, priests, sports people, brothers, uncles, grandfathers and other significant males in your life model to you? Was what was modelled to you respectful of women? Has what you have learnt contributed to deepening and respectful relationships with women? I personally hold the view that the more men respect women, the more satisfying their relationships with women can be. Can a man change? Please click on the following link for more links to groups working with men who want to improve their relationships.

http://www.groupworksolutions.com.au/links

Finding our way again

I haven't written anything for over a month now, not since before my dad died. I recently spoke to someone who told me that since he and his partner had split up he had not been motivated to grow his business beyond where it was. I could understand his lack of motivation. Grief and loss can stop us in our tracks, spin us around in circles, take all motivation and meaning from us for a time. We do what we have to but nothing more.

I've been thinking about a phrase I read many years ago in the book 'Tuesdays with Morrie' and which I often reflect on when it comes to funerals - 'Death ends a life not a relationship'. When someone dies we keep on relating to that person through our memories, through the gifts, skills, wisdom and love (or perhaps anger) that we have experienced in that person and through our relationships with others who knew the deceased person.

Our marriages may end in divorce, we may no longer live together, the 'relationship' may have ended but that doesn't mean that we won't have to relate to one another, there is still a relationship of sorts. If we share the care of children with an ex-partner we will still have to relate in some way for the sake of them. If we can relate in good ways this will make life much more easy to negotiate for our children too. So even though the relationship of marriage or cohabiting has ended the relationship or relating has not ended. Sometimes and in some cases I think it may be easier to find our way again after the death of a loved than after a separation or divorce because we no longer have to negotiate the relationship with the deceased person, whereas following a divorce with children involved we will need to still develop our skills in relating to our ex-partner in order for us to move on and embrace life again and be able to relate to a possible new partner.

Share Trading and Relationships

One thing I have learnt about trading shares is that it much more important to understand yourself than to understand the share market. One cannot control the market but one can control how one reacts to it or acts in response to what is happening in the market. For example if the market starts going down you can't do anything about the market but you could sell your shares and get out so that you don't make a bigger loss or lose your profit. Of course you could do nothing but hope that it will reverse in the direction you want it to go in. This would of course be a very risky gamble.  Perhaps you are prone to a bit of procrastination from time to time and in certain situations but knowing this about yourself and being aware of it while trading could really effect the outcomes of your trading. Instead of sitting and pondering what to do and getting more anxious and stressed and perhaps angry and abusive you could follow a few simple rules that you have come up with. By following your rules you hopefully will not go through an emotional roller coaster every time the market goes down. One simple rule could be that you are willing to lose say 0.25% of your total trading capital on any given trade. As soon as your shares go down by 0.25% you automatically sell. Thus you don't procrastinate or gamble. By the way 0.25% of $10,000 is only $25 so you could do a lot of trades if that was all that you were losing each time you traded. Taking a small loss helps you stay in the markets for a long time and give you many opportunities that will bring you profits.when the markets heads in your direction.

So how could this apply to relationships? On  numerous occasions women and men have come to me and said, "I just don't understand women!" or "I just don't understand men!" or "I just don't understand relationships!" I would have to agree that I don't always understand men, or women, or relationships either, because every man is different, every woman is different and every relationship is different. Like the markets we could spend all our time trying to understand the opposite sex or what relationships are all about but unless we understand ourselves or find ways to relate to ourselves then we may not be able to give as much as we'd like to a relationship or feel satisfied within it.

Now I don't want to make too much of this trading analogy. I wouldn't want to say that the way one relates to the share market is also the way one should relate to one's partner. If you understand the different ways that you respond to challenges in life then you can introduce little plans, like this trading plan so that you keep more in control of yourself even when the situation is out of your control. I don't mean that if the relationship goes down a bit that you get out at a certain point, otherwise you'd be in and out of many relationships. But what I am saying is that when it comes to relationships there is plenty of room for personal growth, for understanding who you are and how you react to another person or how you act in a relationship. My experience has been that when men spend time reading books or attending courses on self development and  communicating they become much more attractive to their partners and enjoy their relationships much more. So even if a relationship breaks down or goes nowhere, by spending time trying to understand yourself you may feel a bit more sure of who you are and bring yourself as a growing developing person to the next relationship.