Share Trading and Relationships

One thing I have learnt about trading shares is that it much more important to understand yourself than to understand the share market. One cannot control the market but one can control how one reacts to it or acts in response to what is happening in the market. For example if the market starts going down you can't do anything about the market but you could sell your shares and get out so that you don't make a bigger loss or lose your profit. Of course you could do nothing but hope that it will reverse in the direction you want it to go in. This would of course be a very risky gamble.  Perhaps you are prone to a bit of procrastination from time to time and in certain situations but knowing this about yourself and being aware of it while trading could really effect the outcomes of your trading. Instead of sitting and pondering what to do and getting more anxious and stressed and perhaps angry and abusive you could follow a few simple rules that you have come up with. By following your rules you hopefully will not go through an emotional roller coaster every time the market goes down. One simple rule could be that you are willing to lose say 0.25% of your total trading capital on any given trade. As soon as your shares go down by 0.25% you automatically sell. Thus you don't procrastinate or gamble. By the way 0.25% of $10,000 is only $25 so you could do a lot of trades if that was all that you were losing each time you traded. Taking a small loss helps you stay in the markets for a long time and give you many opportunities that will bring you profits.when the markets heads in your direction.

So how could this apply to relationships? On  numerous occasions women and men have come to me and said, "I just don't understand women!" or "I just don't understand men!" or "I just don't understand relationships!" I would have to agree that I don't always understand men, or women, or relationships either, because every man is different, every woman is different and every relationship is different. Like the markets we could spend all our time trying to understand the opposite sex or what relationships are all about but unless we understand ourselves or find ways to relate to ourselves then we may not be able to give as much as we'd like to a relationship or feel satisfied within it.

Now I don't want to make too much of this trading analogy. I wouldn't want to say that the way one relates to the share market is also the way one should relate to one's partner. If you understand the different ways that you respond to challenges in life then you can introduce little plans, like this trading plan so that you keep more in control of yourself even when the situation is out of your control. I don't mean that if the relationship goes down a bit that you get out at a certain point, otherwise you'd be in and out of many relationships. But what I am saying is that when it comes to relationships there is plenty of room for personal growth, for understanding who you are and how you react to another person or how you act in a relationship. My experience has been that when men spend time reading books or attending courses on self development and  communicating they become much more attractive to their partners and enjoy their relationships much more. So even if a relationship breaks down or goes nowhere, by spending time trying to understand yourself you may feel a bit more sure of who you are and bring yourself as a growing developing person to the next relationship.

Sex and men's violence

I spent two days this week attending a workshop about research on men and masculinities. As I listened to the various presentations I began to wonder about how men could be engaged to explore issues of violence and in particular how they could be gathered as a group to address their own violence. Some of the research showed that men often behave differently in a group and in particular when they are away from home, for example men playing sport and needing to stay away over night or men working in mines and staying away from home for weeks. When in the company of other men, men found themselves doing things that ordinarily they would not do. When interviewed individually they often expressed surprise and dismay that they would engage in violent behaviour and especially in sexually violent acts when away from the normal restrictions which limited their behaviour.

It seems to me that while counselling for the individual may be very important for a man to change his violent behaviour, men also need to open up about this amongst other men, to make themselves accountable to other men and to find other ways of behaving when together and find other ways to communicate without resorting to violence, or letting themselves get to a point of being out of control through the consumption of excess alcohol. I can imagine that getting men to such a group would be very difficult. If men find it difficult to talk with other men about sex in a constructive way how will they openly talk about issues of violence?

As a man, what have your conversations with other men about sex been like? Have they followed the path of objectifying women? Have they ever been open discussions about sexuality including the difficulties of sexual expression, desire and needs? I'm wondering whether men would be able to talk more openly and honestly about violence and especially violence against women if they were also able to open up and talk together about sexuality?

Men and Masculinities

I attended this two day workshop on men and masculinities held in Wollongong this week. It was particularly interesting to hear research on men's violence and from men who are doing something to address it. Here is a link to a press article... 

UOW to study the male psyche - Local News - News - General - Illawarra Mercury

Men speaking up

If we think something is not our problem we tend to say nothing or do nothing about it. When it comes to women being abused by men we men tend to think that that is not our problem either, because we do not view ourselves as being abusive. I came across the term 'silence is collusion' years ago. It really struck me that by saying nothing or doing nothing we were really colluding with those who abuse. For some reason we men seem unaware that violence by men against women is not a problem that women have but it is a problem that men have. We have tended to leave the support of women to other women, rather than supporting women by speaking up to the men who use violence against women. Speaking up can be very threatening because we may become the victims of violence ourselves. Speaking up as men can also carry with it a false sense of betrayal, that we are betraying the male side of things, but are we really betraying men, or are we colluding with the ways that men view and treat women that violate the rights of women? Not all men are violent, but we all have the potential for violence. Sometimes we are unaware that we are being violent, we can be passively aggressive, we can use our size or position to intimidate, we can use words that carry threat.

We may or do choose the path of violence because we may be stronger than our female partner but we don't have to take that path. We need to begin by realising and acknowledging that using violence is wrong whether against women, or children or other men. We need to take responsibility not only for our own violence but for male violence. We must find better ways of communicating with our partners, better ways of expressing our feelings and wishes and needs. We need to find language to express these feelings and needs in ways that value our partners as equals and in ways that they feel safe. We need to speak up, in conversations, in public, in our religious gatherings, in our places of work and study, in the media, in social networking, in sport and when we are talking with other men about sex and about women etc.

If you are a man, listen to the conversations that men have about women, to what is said and what is not said. Where is silence colluding with violence? Learn to speak up, find your voice, make a difference, stop violence against women, and make the lives of men more richer too.

Talking Men

Laughter is said to be the best medicine but simply opening up a conversation can be a step towards change, healing or transformation. Why is it hard for us men to talk about what really matters? Why do we men so easily just talk about sport?

I love talking with men about things that matter in their lives. I love facilitating discussions about issues that men would not as easily speak to other men about. I find that it makes my life much richer as we share experiences, as we speak more honestly about ourselves, as we admit to our own potential for violence, as we celebrate our joys and sadnesses in life. It helps me understand what the other may be struggling with and and we can explore alternatives.

How does one begin a meaningful conversation? How does one get others to talk about things that really matter to you? I'm looking forward to this conversation.

Come dine with me - from romance to possession

Lifestyle Television can reveal some very interesting ways that men think about women. Here is an example from the Australian version of the lifestyle show ‘Come dine with me’. 

In the show the contestants each take a turn at hosting the other contestants in their own home by providing a sumptuous meal and some light entertainment. 

As part of the entertainment, the guests often explore the bedroom of the host. In one particular episode two of the male contestants went into the bedroom of the female host. One of the men opened a wardrobe which contained the suits of the woman’s husband. The man quickly closed the door, remarking, “Oh, I don’t like touching his suits, but I don’t mind touching his wife!”

What do you make of that comment? To me it says something about how men still view women as the property of men.  How do men come to believe this? Where do these ideas find support within society? Why are they still circulating? How are we men tricked into believing them? What benefit is there to view one’s partner as one’s property? How do we go from viewing our partner romantically to viewing her as a possession? Surely experience of life for men, would be much more fulfilling sexually, emotionally and spiritually, to be in a relationship of mutual love and respect rather than viewing a woman as an object to possess? 

Violence and Alcohol

I've recently moved to the picturesque area of New South Wales known as the Illawarra. It has incredibly beautiful beaches with the backdrop of a rain forest escarpment. It is stunning.

Over the weekend news headlines throughout Australia were painting a picture of a violence that appears at night in Wollongong, the capital city of the Illawarra. The media reported on the high incidences of violence fueled by alcohol in the Wollongong city centre. The reports referred to the number of people, including police officers, assaulted. Local media in turn commented on how unattractive the Wollongong city centre is aesthetically and how this media attention on violence makes Wollongong an even more unattractive place to visit.

I'm interested in finding alternatives to violence, reducing levels of violence and creating a safer world for people to live in. For more people to frequent the city centre it must be a safer place for people to visit. As most of the assaults occur late at night, controlling the hours that pubs and clubs are open seems one simple way to control the amount of alcohol consumed in the city centre. Reducing the amount of time that people can access alcohol could lead to a  reduction of violent assaults.

Harm reduction rather than total bans or abstinence seems to be an easier strategy to introduce. I'm wondering what other creative ways can be used to reduce the occurrences of violence in our communities?