Men's Health Week - Why don't men go to the doctor?

This is Men's Health Week. Women are always telling me that their partners won't go to the doctor. I wonder why so many men won't see a doctor? I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer in 1998. I didn't attend the doctor because I thought there was something wrong, I just went for a check up and she sent me off for some tests. The cancer was detected early, I had it removed, I had treatment and I'm all clear today. Personally I'd prefer to be alive than dead. Our second child was only five months old at the time and since then we have had two more children. I'm glad that I'm around to see them grow up and share my life with them.

So back to my question: why don't men go to the doctor?

Please take the poll on this page and reply with your own reasons if you wish. Women are most welcome to respond too. I'm sure lots of you men will respond.

Suicide 'a neglected gender issue' - ABC News (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)

Suicide 'a neglected gender issue' - ABC News (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)

Were we all being bullied?

This morning I watched my son's team play football (Soccer). The score was 2-2. It was an early morning kick off. It was wet and cold and more like Ireland than Australia. It was a beautiful setting by the coast. The waves thrashing off the rocks were throwing spray high into the sky aided by the strong wind. It wasn't the only thing distracting me from the game. One of the parents from the other team was constantly shouting negative comments to his son's team. The words that most grated with me were: 'boofhead', 'princess' and 'beat the shit out of the other team'. The last comment was given during the half time talk.

I stood listening to all this and noticed a few smirks from people standing around and wondered why no one challenged the way this man was speaking to the boys in the team. He wasn't one of the coaches and constantly called over the top of them telling the team where to stand and what to do and berating them when they were not in the position he thought they should have been. At one point the left back was taking a throw in and I could see how unsure the boy was about what to do. Instead of looking at where to throw the ball he was looking at the man shouting instructions. I couldn't hold back any longer and approached the man about the way he was speaking to the team. I expressed the possible psychological damage that the comments could have on the boys. When I indicated that it was not appropriate to ridicule the boys by calling them boofhead or princess, one of the women standing close by excused the man's behaviour by indicating that it was okay because it was his son whom he was calling princess. The man told me to get away from him. I walked away.

I don't find speaking up and speaking out easy especially to people exhibiting bullying behaviour. Why did no one else speak up? Had they heard it all before from him and excused him by saying that's just him, that's just the way he is? Why was there silence? For me it was like there was something going on, something we were all aware of, something we were all hearing but no one was saying anything or doing anything about it. Perhaps others were not aware of it or unaware of the effect it could have on these young boys. Perhaps others heard it but not in the way I heard it. I felt challenged. Do I keep quiet or do I speak up? It is a dilemma I am often confronted by. I know that my emotional state will be raised which ever choice I make. By speaking up I will have to deal with the questions of whether I did the right thing or said the right thing, or could I have handled it better? Before I speak I also have to consider that I could get a fist in my face. By not speaking up I will have to deal with the question of whether I missed an opportunity: an opportunity perhaps to speak up for a boy who has to grow up enduring his father publicly ridiculing him by calling him such things as 'boof head and 'princess' and a question of whether I had missed an opportunity to speak into a story being written today by a lot of people saying nothing and one person dominating the script? Were we all being bullied? What has been your experience of speaking up?

Finding our way again

I haven't written anything for over a month now, not since before my dad died. I recently spoke to someone who told me that since he and his partner had split up he had not been motivated to grow his business beyond where it was. I could understand his lack of motivation. Grief and loss can stop us in our tracks, spin us around in circles, take all motivation and meaning from us for a time. We do what we have to but nothing more.

I've been thinking about a phrase I read many years ago in the book 'Tuesdays with Morrie' and which I often reflect on when it comes to funerals - 'Death ends a life not a relationship'. When someone dies we keep on relating to that person through our memories, through the gifts, skills, wisdom and love (or perhaps anger) that we have experienced in that person and through our relationships with others who knew the deceased person.

Our marriages may end in divorce, we may no longer live together, the 'relationship' may have ended but that doesn't mean that we won't have to relate to one another, there is still a relationship of sorts. If we share the care of children with an ex-partner we will still have to relate in some way for the sake of them. If we can relate in good ways this will make life much more easy to negotiate for our children too. So even though the relationship of marriage or cohabiting has ended the relationship or relating has not ended. Sometimes and in some cases I think it may be easier to find our way again after the death of a loved than after a separation or divorce because we no longer have to negotiate the relationship with the deceased person, whereas following a divorce with children involved we will need to still develop our skills in relating to our ex-partner in order for us to move on and embrace life again and be able to relate to a possible new partner.

Book Review: Half the Sky « The Pixel Project

Book Review: Half the Sky « The Pixel Project

Share Trading and Relationships

One thing I have learnt about trading shares is that it much more important to understand yourself than to understand the share market. One cannot control the market but one can control how one reacts to it or acts in response to what is happening in the market. For example if the market starts going down you can't do anything about the market but you could sell your shares and get out so that you don't make a bigger loss or lose your profit. Of course you could do nothing but hope that it will reverse in the direction you want it to go in. This would of course be a very risky gamble.  Perhaps you are prone to a bit of procrastination from time to time and in certain situations but knowing this about yourself and being aware of it while trading could really effect the outcomes of your trading. Instead of sitting and pondering what to do and getting more anxious and stressed and perhaps angry and abusive you could follow a few simple rules that you have come up with. By following your rules you hopefully will not go through an emotional roller coaster every time the market goes down. One simple rule could be that you are willing to lose say 0.25% of your total trading capital on any given trade. As soon as your shares go down by 0.25% you automatically sell. Thus you don't procrastinate or gamble. By the way 0.25% of $10,000 is only $25 so you could do a lot of trades if that was all that you were losing each time you traded. Taking a small loss helps you stay in the markets for a long time and give you many opportunities that will bring you profits.when the markets heads in your direction.

So how could this apply to relationships? On  numerous occasions women and men have come to me and said, "I just don't understand women!" or "I just don't understand men!" or "I just don't understand relationships!" I would have to agree that I don't always understand men, or women, or relationships either, because every man is different, every woman is different and every relationship is different. Like the markets we could spend all our time trying to understand the opposite sex or what relationships are all about but unless we understand ourselves or find ways to relate to ourselves then we may not be able to give as much as we'd like to a relationship or feel satisfied within it.

Now I don't want to make too much of this trading analogy. I wouldn't want to say that the way one relates to the share market is also the way one should relate to one's partner. If you understand the different ways that you respond to challenges in life then you can introduce little plans, like this trading plan so that you keep more in control of yourself even when the situation is out of your control. I don't mean that if the relationship goes down a bit that you get out at a certain point, otherwise you'd be in and out of many relationships. But what I am saying is that when it comes to relationships there is plenty of room for personal growth, for understanding who you are and how you react to another person or how you act in a relationship. My experience has been that when men spend time reading books or attending courses on self development and  communicating they become much more attractive to their partners and enjoy their relationships much more. So even if a relationship breaks down or goes nowhere, by spending time trying to understand yourself you may feel a bit more sure of who you are and bring yourself as a growing developing person to the next relationship.

Sex and men's violence

I spent two days this week attending a workshop about research on men and masculinities. As I listened to the various presentations I began to wonder about how men could be engaged to explore issues of violence and in particular how they could be gathered as a group to address their own violence. Some of the research showed that men often behave differently in a group and in particular when they are away from home, for example men playing sport and needing to stay away over night or men working in mines and staying away from home for weeks. When in the company of other men, men found themselves doing things that ordinarily they would not do. When interviewed individually they often expressed surprise and dismay that they would engage in violent behaviour and especially in sexually violent acts when away from the normal restrictions which limited their behaviour.

It seems to me that while counselling for the individual may be very important for a man to change his violent behaviour, men also need to open up about this amongst other men, to make themselves accountable to other men and to find other ways of behaving when together and find other ways to communicate without resorting to violence, or letting themselves get to a point of being out of control through the consumption of excess alcohol. I can imagine that getting men to such a group would be very difficult. If men find it difficult to talk with other men about sex in a constructive way how will they openly talk about issues of violence?

As a man, what have your conversations with other men about sex been like? Have they followed the path of objectifying women? Have they ever been open discussions about sexuality including the difficulties of sexual expression, desire and needs? I'm wondering whether men would be able to talk more openly and honestly about violence and especially violence against women if they were also able to open up and talk together about sexuality?