The Boys

The Boys

My friend Andrew took me along to the theatre the other night to see the play The Boys. Andrew does a lot of group work with men http://www.groupworksolutions.com.au/ and I went because his partner was ill. Although I had put a link to the background of the play on this Blog a couple of months ago I didn’t really want to go and see it. I knew what the story was about and did not want to spend an evening being ‘entertained’ by violence.

The play was very confronting, literally in your face. We were in the front row and the main character pulled down his pants and bared his bottom to the audience. I thought the acting was superb, it was non stop, intense and the atmosphere was charged. But I didn’t like it. I felt uncomfortable, intimidated, angry and sad.

The main theme that struck me was the attitude of the men to women. This came across in both words and actions. The women were portrayed as seeking meaningful relationships and something better for their lives. The men were portrayed as having a great sense of entitlement: entitled to do what they wanted, when they wanted, how they wanted, and without any consideration for either their mother or girlfriends. They viewed women as objects. This came across very strongly in their views on sex and in the simulated sex scenes – you can never let a woman be on top. The sex portrayed was devoid of loving relationship and intimacy. A woman’s body was merely an object for ejaculation and in treating her so she would know her place, she would know who held the power, she would know who was boss. The violence in the play was not just meted out on the women. The brothers were pulled into submission to the elder brothers views through violence. These beliefs were enforced upon both women and men to maintain their place and the place of men above women. The cycle of violence was being continued and legitimised by these beliefs and backed up with violence.

I would imagine that most men if asked would deny holding such views of women and would distance themselves from the views and actions portrayed in the play. However, women throughout the world know what it is to live with the threat and effects of both sexual and physical assault not just from strangers but from within their own families. As a man reading this I am wondering if you have ever questioned your own views about women. What informed those views? How were they formed? From whom did you learn them? What did your father model to you about women? What did male teachers, ministers, priests, sports people, brothers, uncles, grandfathers and other significant males in your life model to you? Was what was modelled to you respectful of women? Has what you have learnt contributed to deepening and respectful relationships with women? I personally hold the view that the more men respect women, the more satisfying their relationships with women can be. Can a man change? Please click on the following link for more links to groups working with men who want to improve their relationships.

http://www.groupworksolutions.com.au/links

White Ribbon

I participated in a White Ribbon Event in Wollongong last Friday 25th November. As part of the evening there was some interactive theatre in which the actors posed as a few friends trying to help a friend who was feeling very stressed about work and eventually went on to hit his partner. 


Here is a quote from the event advertising: Forum Theatre is a form of interactive theatre developed by Augusto Boal, a Brazilian social activist and theatre maker who also developed Theatre of the Oppressed, a theatre form used in South America to work with communities on human rights and other social justice issues. In Forum Theatre the audience influences the action and suggest different paths for the actors to follow as they look for solutions to problems.


The drama presented a man feeling incredibly stressed by the insecurity of his workplace. He did not know how long the company would keep going and how long he would have a job. He was getting aggressive in leisure time, at home and at work even with his friends. It was a challenging and confronting piece of theatre as it forced us all to think how we might assist a friend in preventing him choosing a path of violence against his female partner. 


The word choice came to the fore. How might a man develop choices other than resorting to violence? The first thing to acknowledge was that physical violence was not a choice one can make and secondly that we have to take responsibility ourselves for finding other ways to deal with the anger in our lives. The drama made us think about how we can interact with men, to get them to talk and assist them to find other ways to deal with the things that were causing them stress.


It got me thinking about how we men don't like violence either and try to avoid raising the issue of another man's violence with the man himself. We are fearful of the threat of violence too. Men can be unaware of the way they use their bodies and body language to intimidate. It is difficult to have an open conversation when the other person is looming over you or is huffing and puffing or pacing up and down. Men can be very threatened by an intruder into their private life and especially when their violence is challenged. 


It is one thing to sit down and talk with a man after he has committed an act of violence against his partner especially if he has come to you for counselling or help, but it is a totally different thing to try to engage with a man when he is being violent or threatening violence.


It challenged me to come up with a number of possible ways we might prevent violence by men against their partners. We have got to get a clear message to all men in society that violence is not a choice they can make. How might we do this? From my experience men do not usually seek help until after they have been charged with assault or their partner has left them. Men don't think it is their problem or their responsibility to challenge other men. Men do not easily volunteer to attend anger management or violence prevention classes unless forced by law. So how can we educate ourselves to make other choices? There are a number of groups working with boys in schools but it would be great if businesses would allow time for employees to attend on site prevention of violence against women classes. They could be packaged as part of 'stress management', and be part of a business' social responsibility in the community. Any improvements to the individual and to how he is feeling abut himself will have a positive influence on the team in which he works. So there are great benefits for the business too.


For years I have tried to raise the issue at weddings that I have performed as one way to let men know that violence is not a choice they can make and I have always invited men to speak with me if they wish. Men need to hear other men saying that violence against women is not on.


What other ways could we raise this with men? What ways could we train men to find other alternatives to violence? How can we help them to use their words carefully and caringly?


Any thoughts and ideas are very welcome.

Men speaking up

If we think something is not our problem we tend to say nothing or do nothing about it. When it comes to women being abused by men we men tend to think that that is not our problem either, because we do not view ourselves as being abusive. I came across the term 'silence is collusion' years ago. It really struck me that by saying nothing or doing nothing we were really colluding with those who abuse. For some reason we men seem unaware that violence by men against women is not a problem that women have but it is a problem that men have. We have tended to leave the support of women to other women, rather than supporting women by speaking up to the men who use violence against women. Speaking up can be very threatening because we may become the victims of violence ourselves. Speaking up as men can also carry with it a false sense of betrayal, that we are betraying the male side of things, but are we really betraying men, or are we colluding with the ways that men view and treat women that violate the rights of women? Not all men are violent, but we all have the potential for violence. Sometimes we are unaware that we are being violent, we can be passively aggressive, we can use our size or position to intimidate, we can use words that carry threat.

We may or do choose the path of violence because we may be stronger than our female partner but we don't have to take that path. We need to begin by realising and acknowledging that using violence is wrong whether against women, or children or other men. We need to take responsibility not only for our own violence but for male violence. We must find better ways of communicating with our partners, better ways of expressing our feelings and wishes and needs. We need to find language to express these feelings and needs in ways that value our partners as equals and in ways that they feel safe. We need to speak up, in conversations, in public, in our religious gatherings, in our places of work and study, in the media, in social networking, in sport and when we are talking with other men about sex and about women etc.

If you are a man, listen to the conversations that men have about women, to what is said and what is not said. Where is silence colluding with violence? Learn to speak up, find your voice, make a difference, stop violence against women, and make the lives of men more richer too.

Violence and Alcohol

I've recently moved to the picturesque area of New South Wales known as the Illawarra. It has incredibly beautiful beaches with the backdrop of a rain forest escarpment. It is stunning.

Over the weekend news headlines throughout Australia were painting a picture of a violence that appears at night in Wollongong, the capital city of the Illawarra. The media reported on the high incidences of violence fueled by alcohol in the Wollongong city centre. The reports referred to the number of people, including police officers, assaulted. Local media in turn commented on how unattractive the Wollongong city centre is aesthetically and how this media attention on violence makes Wollongong an even more unattractive place to visit.

I'm interested in finding alternatives to violence, reducing levels of violence and creating a safer world for people to live in. For more people to frequent the city centre it must be a safer place for people to visit. As most of the assaults occur late at night, controlling the hours that pubs and clubs are open seems one simple way to control the amount of alcohol consumed in the city centre. Reducing the amount of time that people can access alcohol could lead to a  reduction of violent assaults.

Harm reduction rather than total bans or abstinence seems to be an easier strategy to introduce. I'm wondering what other creative ways can be used to reduce the occurrences of violence in our communities?

Violence in Sport

My favourite sport is football (Soccer) and the team I have followed for
40 years is Tottenham Hotspur (Spurs). Yesterday Spurs played AC Milan
 in the European Champions League. There were a number of violent
incidents in the game. One was a two footed tackle that looked very
dangerous and the other was when one player grabbed the throat of the
opposition's coach and after the game the same player appeared to head
 butt  the same coach. While I love football, I am appalled by this behaviour
 especially as it is televised to millions of people (mostly men and boys)
around the world. If clubs are to eradicate violent behaviour from local club
 level and bring girls and boys up to participate in a sporting manner both
as participants and as fans then surely governing bodies at the highest
level must set a standard that does not tolerate violent behaviour at all.
Codes of conduct must be enforced for both players and coaches.

My interest is in assisting men to find other ways of expressing emotions
such as anger in ways which do not hurt or threaten other people. I believe
 that famous sporting and other public leaders such as politicians must
set better examples for younger people.