White Ribbon

I participated in a White Ribbon Event in Wollongong last Friday 25th November. As part of the evening there was some interactive theatre in which the actors posed as a few friends trying to help a friend who was feeling very stressed about work and eventually went on to hit his partner. 


Here is a quote from the event advertising: Forum Theatre is a form of interactive theatre developed by Augusto Boal, a Brazilian social activist and theatre maker who also developed Theatre of the Oppressed, a theatre form used in South America to work with communities on human rights and other social justice issues. In Forum Theatre the audience influences the action and suggest different paths for the actors to follow as they look for solutions to problems.


The drama presented a man feeling incredibly stressed by the insecurity of his workplace. He did not know how long the company would keep going and how long he would have a job. He was getting aggressive in leisure time, at home and at work even with his friends. It was a challenging and confronting piece of theatre as it forced us all to think how we might assist a friend in preventing him choosing a path of violence against his female partner. 


The word choice came to the fore. How might a man develop choices other than resorting to violence? The first thing to acknowledge was that physical violence was not a choice one can make and secondly that we have to take responsibility ourselves for finding other ways to deal with the anger in our lives. The drama made us think about how we can interact with men, to get them to talk and assist them to find other ways to deal with the things that were causing them stress.


It got me thinking about how we men don't like violence either and try to avoid raising the issue of another man's violence with the man himself. We are fearful of the threat of violence too. Men can be unaware of the way they use their bodies and body language to intimidate. It is difficult to have an open conversation when the other person is looming over you or is huffing and puffing or pacing up and down. Men can be very threatened by an intruder into their private life and especially when their violence is challenged. 


It is one thing to sit down and talk with a man after he has committed an act of violence against his partner especially if he has come to you for counselling or help, but it is a totally different thing to try to engage with a man when he is being violent or threatening violence.


It challenged me to come up with a number of possible ways we might prevent violence by men against their partners. We have got to get a clear message to all men in society that violence is not a choice they can make. How might we do this? From my experience men do not usually seek help until after they have been charged with assault or their partner has left them. Men don't think it is their problem or their responsibility to challenge other men. Men do not easily volunteer to attend anger management or violence prevention classes unless forced by law. So how can we educate ourselves to make other choices? There are a number of groups working with boys in schools but it would be great if businesses would allow time for employees to attend on site prevention of violence against women classes. They could be packaged as part of 'stress management', and be part of a business' social responsibility in the community. Any improvements to the individual and to how he is feeling abut himself will have a positive influence on the team in which he works. So there are great benefits for the business too.


For years I have tried to raise the issue at weddings that I have performed as one way to let men know that violence is not a choice they can make and I have always invited men to speak with me if they wish. Men need to hear other men saying that violence against women is not on.


What other ways could we raise this with men? What ways could we train men to find other alternatives to violence? How can we help them to use their words carefully and caringly?


Any thoughts and ideas are very welcome.

David Whyte Many Rivers Home

David Whyte Many Rivers Home:

'via Blog this'

Men's Health Week - Why don't men go to the doctor?

This is Men's Health Week. Women are always telling me that their partners won't go to the doctor. I wonder why so many men won't see a doctor? I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer in 1998. I didn't attend the doctor because I thought there was something wrong, I just went for a check up and she sent me off for some tests. The cancer was detected early, I had it removed, I had treatment and I'm all clear today. Personally I'd prefer to be alive than dead. Our second child was only five months old at the time and since then we have had two more children. I'm glad that I'm around to see them grow up and share my life with them.

So back to my question: why don't men go to the doctor?

Please take the poll on this page and reply with your own reasons if you wish. Women are most welcome to respond too. I'm sure lots of you men will respond.

Suicide 'a neglected gender issue' - ABC News (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)

Suicide 'a neglected gender issue' - ABC News (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)

Were we all being bullied?

This morning I watched my son's team play football (Soccer). The score was 2-2. It was an early morning kick off. It was wet and cold and more like Ireland than Australia. It was a beautiful setting by the coast. The waves thrashing off the rocks were throwing spray high into the sky aided by the strong wind. It wasn't the only thing distracting me from the game. One of the parents from the other team was constantly shouting negative comments to his son's team. The words that most grated with me were: 'boofhead', 'princess' and 'beat the shit out of the other team'. The last comment was given during the half time talk.

I stood listening to all this and noticed a few smirks from people standing around and wondered why no one challenged the way this man was speaking to the boys in the team. He wasn't one of the coaches and constantly called over the top of them telling the team where to stand and what to do and berating them when they were not in the position he thought they should have been. At one point the left back was taking a throw in and I could see how unsure the boy was about what to do. Instead of looking at where to throw the ball he was looking at the man shouting instructions. I couldn't hold back any longer and approached the man about the way he was speaking to the team. I expressed the possible psychological damage that the comments could have on the boys. When I indicated that it was not appropriate to ridicule the boys by calling them boofhead or princess, one of the women standing close by excused the man's behaviour by indicating that it was okay because it was his son whom he was calling princess. The man told me to get away from him. I walked away.

I don't find speaking up and speaking out easy especially to people exhibiting bullying behaviour. Why did no one else speak up? Had they heard it all before from him and excused him by saying that's just him, that's just the way he is? Why was there silence? For me it was like there was something going on, something we were all aware of, something we were all hearing but no one was saying anything or doing anything about it. Perhaps others were not aware of it or unaware of the effect it could have on these young boys. Perhaps others heard it but not in the way I heard it. I felt challenged. Do I keep quiet or do I speak up? It is a dilemma I am often confronted by. I know that my emotional state will be raised which ever choice I make. By speaking up I will have to deal with the questions of whether I did the right thing or said the right thing, or could I have handled it better? Before I speak I also have to consider that I could get a fist in my face. By not speaking up I will have to deal with the question of whether I missed an opportunity: an opportunity perhaps to speak up for a boy who has to grow up enduring his father publicly ridiculing him by calling him such things as 'boof head and 'princess' and a question of whether I had missed an opportunity to speak into a story being written today by a lot of people saying nothing and one person dominating the script? Were we all being bullied? What has been your experience of speaking up?

Finding our way again

I haven't written anything for over a month now, not since before my dad died. I recently spoke to someone who told me that since he and his partner had split up he had not been motivated to grow his business beyond where it was. I could understand his lack of motivation. Grief and loss can stop us in our tracks, spin us around in circles, take all motivation and meaning from us for a time. We do what we have to but nothing more.

I've been thinking about a phrase I read many years ago in the book 'Tuesdays with Morrie' and which I often reflect on when it comes to funerals - 'Death ends a life not a relationship'. When someone dies we keep on relating to that person through our memories, through the gifts, skills, wisdom and love (or perhaps anger) that we have experienced in that person and through our relationships with others who knew the deceased person.

Our marriages may end in divorce, we may no longer live together, the 'relationship' may have ended but that doesn't mean that we won't have to relate to one another, there is still a relationship of sorts. If we share the care of children with an ex-partner we will still have to relate in some way for the sake of them. If we can relate in good ways this will make life much more easy to negotiate for our children too. So even though the relationship of marriage or cohabiting has ended the relationship or relating has not ended. Sometimes and in some cases I think it may be easier to find our way again after the death of a loved than after a separation or divorce because we no longer have to negotiate the relationship with the deceased person, whereas following a divorce with children involved we will need to still develop our skills in relating to our ex-partner in order for us to move on and embrace life again and be able to relate to a possible new partner.

Book Review: Half the Sky « The Pixel Project

Book Review: Half the Sky « The Pixel Project

Share Trading and Relationships

One thing I have learnt about trading shares is that it much more important to understand yourself than to understand the share market. One cannot control the market but one can control how one reacts to it or acts in response to what is happening in the market. For example if the market starts going down you can't do anything about the market but you could sell your shares and get out so that you don't make a bigger loss or lose your profit. Of course you could do nothing but hope that it will reverse in the direction you want it to go in. This would of course be a very risky gamble.  Perhaps you are prone to a bit of procrastination from time to time and in certain situations but knowing this about yourself and being aware of it while trading could really effect the outcomes of your trading. Instead of sitting and pondering what to do and getting more anxious and stressed and perhaps angry and abusive you could follow a few simple rules that you have come up with. By following your rules you hopefully will not go through an emotional roller coaster every time the market goes down. One simple rule could be that you are willing to lose say 0.25% of your total trading capital on any given trade. As soon as your shares go down by 0.25% you automatically sell. Thus you don't procrastinate or gamble. By the way 0.25% of $10,000 is only $25 so you could do a lot of trades if that was all that you were losing each time you traded. Taking a small loss helps you stay in the markets for a long time and give you many opportunities that will bring you profits.when the markets heads in your direction.

So how could this apply to relationships? On  numerous occasions women and men have come to me and said, "I just don't understand women!" or "I just don't understand men!" or "I just don't understand relationships!" I would have to agree that I don't always understand men, or women, or relationships either, because every man is different, every woman is different and every relationship is different. Like the markets we could spend all our time trying to understand the opposite sex or what relationships are all about but unless we understand ourselves or find ways to relate to ourselves then we may not be able to give as much as we'd like to a relationship or feel satisfied within it.

Now I don't want to make too much of this trading analogy. I wouldn't want to say that the way one relates to the share market is also the way one should relate to one's partner. If you understand the different ways that you respond to challenges in life then you can introduce little plans, like this trading plan so that you keep more in control of yourself even when the situation is out of your control. I don't mean that if the relationship goes down a bit that you get out at a certain point, otherwise you'd be in and out of many relationships. But what I am saying is that when it comes to relationships there is plenty of room for personal growth, for understanding who you are and how you react to another person or how you act in a relationship. My experience has been that when men spend time reading books or attending courses on self development and  communicating they become much more attractive to their partners and enjoy their relationships much more. So even if a relationship breaks down or goes nowhere, by spending time trying to understand yourself you may feel a bit more sure of who you are and bring yourself as a growing developing person to the next relationship.

Sex and men's violence

I spent two days this week attending a workshop about research on men and masculinities. As I listened to the various presentations I began to wonder about how men could be engaged to explore issues of violence and in particular how they could be gathered as a group to address their own violence. Some of the research showed that men often behave differently in a group and in particular when they are away from home, for example men playing sport and needing to stay away over night or men working in mines and staying away from home for weeks. When in the company of other men, men found themselves doing things that ordinarily they would not do. When interviewed individually they often expressed surprise and dismay that they would engage in violent behaviour and especially in sexually violent acts when away from the normal restrictions which limited their behaviour.

It seems to me that while counselling for the individual may be very important for a man to change his violent behaviour, men also need to open up about this amongst other men, to make themselves accountable to other men and to find other ways of behaving when together and find other ways to communicate without resorting to violence, or letting themselves get to a point of being out of control through the consumption of excess alcohol. I can imagine that getting men to such a group would be very difficult. If men find it difficult to talk with other men about sex in a constructive way how will they openly talk about issues of violence?

As a man, what have your conversations with other men about sex been like? Have they followed the path of objectifying women? Have they ever been open discussions about sexuality including the difficulties of sexual expression, desire and needs? I'm wondering whether men would be able to talk more openly and honestly about violence and especially violence against women if they were also able to open up and talk together about sexuality?

Men and Masculinities

I attended this two day workshop on men and masculinities held in Wollongong this week. It was particularly interesting to hear research on men's violence and from men who are doing something to address it. Here is a link to a press article... 

UOW to study the male psyche - Local News - News - General - Illawarra Mercury

Men speaking up

If we think something is not our problem we tend to say nothing or do nothing about it. When it comes to women being abused by men we men tend to think that that is not our problem either, because we do not view ourselves as being abusive. I came across the term 'silence is collusion' years ago. It really struck me that by saying nothing or doing nothing we were really colluding with those who abuse. For some reason we men seem unaware that violence by men against women is not a problem that women have but it is a problem that men have. We have tended to leave the support of women to other women, rather than supporting women by speaking up to the men who use violence against women. Speaking up can be very threatening because we may become the victims of violence ourselves. Speaking up as men can also carry with it a false sense of betrayal, that we are betraying the male side of things, but are we really betraying men, or are we colluding with the ways that men view and treat women that violate the rights of women? Not all men are violent, but we all have the potential for violence. Sometimes we are unaware that we are being violent, we can be passively aggressive, we can use our size or position to intimidate, we can use words that carry threat.

We may or do choose the path of violence because we may be stronger than our female partner but we don't have to take that path. We need to begin by realising and acknowledging that using violence is wrong whether against women, or children or other men. We need to take responsibility not only for our own violence but for male violence. We must find better ways of communicating with our partners, better ways of expressing our feelings and wishes and needs. We need to find language to express these feelings and needs in ways that value our partners as equals and in ways that they feel safe. We need to speak up, in conversations, in public, in our religious gatherings, in our places of work and study, in the media, in social networking, in sport and when we are talking with other men about sex and about women etc.

If you are a man, listen to the conversations that men have about women, to what is said and what is not said. Where is silence colluding with violence? Learn to speak up, find your voice, make a difference, stop violence against women, and make the lives of men more richer too.

Talking Men

Laughter is said to be the best medicine but simply opening up a conversation can be a step towards change, healing or transformation. Why is it hard for us men to talk about what really matters? Why do we men so easily just talk about sport?

I love talking with men about things that matter in their lives. I love facilitating discussions about issues that men would not as easily speak to other men about. I find that it makes my life much richer as we share experiences, as we speak more honestly about ourselves, as we admit to our own potential for violence, as we celebrate our joys and sadnesses in life. It helps me understand what the other may be struggling with and and we can explore alternatives.

How does one begin a meaningful conversation? How does one get others to talk about things that really matter to you? I'm looking forward to this conversation.

Come dine with me - from romance to possession

Lifestyle Television can reveal some very interesting ways that men think about women. Here is an example from the Australian version of the lifestyle show ‘Come dine with me’. 

In the show the contestants each take a turn at hosting the other contestants in their own home by providing a sumptuous meal and some light entertainment. 

As part of the entertainment, the guests often explore the bedroom of the host. In one particular episode two of the male contestants went into the bedroom of the female host. One of the men opened a wardrobe which contained the suits of the woman’s husband. The man quickly closed the door, remarking, “Oh, I don’t like touching his suits, but I don’t mind touching his wife!”

What do you make of that comment? To me it says something about how men still view women as the property of men.  How do men come to believe this? Where do these ideas find support within society? Why are they still circulating? How are we men tricked into believing them? What benefit is there to view one’s partner as one’s property? How do we go from viewing our partner romantically to viewing her as a possession? Surely experience of life for men, would be much more fulfilling sexually, emotionally and spiritually, to be in a relationship of mutual love and respect rather than viewing a woman as an object to possess? 

Violence and Alcohol

I've recently moved to the picturesque area of New South Wales known as the Illawarra. It has incredibly beautiful beaches with the backdrop of a rain forest escarpment. It is stunning.

Over the weekend news headlines throughout Australia were painting a picture of a violence that appears at night in Wollongong, the capital city of the Illawarra. The media reported on the high incidences of violence fueled by alcohol in the Wollongong city centre. The reports referred to the number of people, including police officers, assaulted. Local media in turn commented on how unattractive the Wollongong city centre is aesthetically and how this media attention on violence makes Wollongong an even more unattractive place to visit.

I'm interested in finding alternatives to violence, reducing levels of violence and creating a safer world for people to live in. For more people to frequent the city centre it must be a safer place for people to visit. As most of the assaults occur late at night, controlling the hours that pubs and clubs are open seems one simple way to control the amount of alcohol consumed in the city centre. Reducing the amount of time that people can access alcohol could lead to a  reduction of violent assaults.

Harm reduction rather than total bans or abstinence seems to be an easier strategy to introduce. I'm wondering what other creative ways can be used to reduce the occurrences of violence in our communities?

Violence in Sport

My favourite sport is football (Soccer) and the team I have followed for
40 years is Tottenham Hotspur (Spurs). Yesterday Spurs played AC Milan
 in the European Champions League. There were a number of violent
incidents in the game. One was a two footed tackle that looked very
dangerous and the other was when one player grabbed the throat of the
opposition's coach and after the game the same player appeared to head
 butt  the same coach. While I love football, I am appalled by this behaviour
 especially as it is televised to millions of people (mostly men and boys)
around the world. If clubs are to eradicate violent behaviour from local club
 level and bring girls and boys up to participate in a sporting manner both
as participants and as fans then surely governing bodies at the highest
level must set a standard that does not tolerate violent behaviour at all.
Codes of conduct must be enforced for both players and coaches.

My interest is in assisting men to find other ways of expressing emotions
such as anger in ways which do not hurt or threaten other people. I believe
 that famous sporting and other public leaders such as politicians must
set better examples for younger people.

What do men want?

What do men want?

I once asked a group of women and men what they thought men wanted most in
life and the women responded loudly with one voice, "MORE SEX!".
The men were silent, perhaps too shy to admit it.

What do men really want out of life? Many of my conversations with men
have been about relationships. They have wanted to improve their relationships
with their partners and their children. These conversations have involved topics
such as communication, money, violence, sex, spirituality and much more.
Feelings of anger, frustration, failure, longing, grief, loss, joy, satisfaction
and much more have been expressed.

For me relationships (good relationships) are the most important thing
in the world. I have heard many funeral eulogies and for most men I have
heard that it is not their business or sporting achievements that they are
most proud of but their relationships. Eulogies also reveal that it is in the
area of relationship that most regret is also felt.

One way for men to improve their relationships is to talk about them and
seek help in improving them. On this blog I ask men to especially be
respectful of women in their comments.

What is a good relationship? How can we have good relationships in all
areas of our lives: in family life, with our partner, in business, at work,
in society, between people of different religious and cultural backgrounds?

As a man what is most important to you?